With my thin runner's body, the straight lines of a suit or flat-front pantaloons drape clean and straight over my frame. Dressed this way, I look good. I'm also shy-of-grotesque when I'm naked, as long as the light in the room is kept somewhere in the 40 to 60 watt range. However, put me in a tank top, and my body calls to mind the meth-head from Cops who's prone to bringing up salient points like, "Hey, she hit me FIRST!" I'm not Vin Diesel, and I know it. I also do well to shy away from the beach, because the glaring sun isn't flattering to my skin-tone, which I would describe as "fair", and which any one else would call "cadaverous." I know what I look like, and I act accordingly.

The point is this: like everything else in life, when dressing, everyone should know his or her respective limitations. In these times, it seems as a society that we have forgotten this obvious rule. Far too many women are walking around with short tank tops and the lowest of low-riders, even though their belly fat spills out, flopping over, rolling fabric down, and decisively winning the battle of the belt line. Similarly, if you've ever described yourself as having a "J-Lo Bootie" what you really have is a fat can, and you shouldn't wear tight black flared "clubbin'" pants. Take a lesson from the girls of the late 80's: Tie a sweater around that thing! Wear some pants with some room in the seat for goodness sakes. Your hinders isn't your best asset. (And yes that lame pun was intended.)

If just pubescent girls have warped the minds of women into thinking they should all wear tight pants and little baby T's, Cosmo has done its part to screw with our collective perspective when it comes to undies. If you have the aforementioned and euphemistic "J-Lo Bootie" and fall closer to the pudgy American side, and further away from the Brazilian model side of the international bell curve, then you should probably not wear thongs. Cosmo would disagree, and would have you think that showing panty lines is equivalent to tucking in a sweater or wearing black shoes with a brown belt. The new conventional wisdom is that VPL's are a bit dowdy. They're unseemly by being "seemly." Of course the same person who wouldn't be caught dead in a comfortable pair of Jockey's for Her, is just fine with wearing a lace bra under a tight shirt, making her boobs look lumpy and disfigured. Showing panty-lines means everyone will know, DEAR GOD! You're wearing UNDERWEAR! As far as I'm concerned. . .GOOD! However, I'm in the minority in thinking this way. The thong, by a wide margin, is the most popular cut of underwear sold by Victoria's Secret. When you consider this in conjunction with the fact that "Bagel Friday" has replaced decent healthcare in the employee benefits package, then something is amiss. Because of denial, right now, across the nation, there are scads of women walking around with scores of tiny non-organic fabric swatches lost between the cheeks of their carbo-loaded butts. When you think of the sweat, and dried skin, and the fecal traces being ground in with every step. . .well its obviously best not too.

What I'm suggesting is this: embrace your regular-cotton-drawers wearing self. Have some self-realization. Accept your body type and act accordingly. If you can't do that, then embrace your place within America's Puritanical tradition. Sure this means that you will find your body shameful and evil, but if you take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror, well maybe that isn't so far off from the truth.