It’s a clock made out of a lacquered hunk of wood with a picture of a baby seal on it. This is the type of object that I understood was tacky even before I knew there wasn’t a Santa Claus. The best lacquered wood thing I ever saw was in a Grand Canyon gift shop. It was round, because it was a cross section of a tree, and it had a picture of John Wayne on it. I noticed it in the hands of two tiny Japanese men. One had a cowboy hat on, and the other had a Bud Light belt buckle. That was 18 years ago; I can still picture them.