Work Experience:
Soul-Destroyer Technologies, Inc -- July 2002 – Present
Trained Monkey

• Participated in witty interchanges over email that generally amounted to me calling my friends buffoons, repressed homosexuals, sluts, slobs, drunks, cowards, wimps, or fat-asses.
• Stared vacantly.
• Briefly expressed strong feelings that the decision to take out “XYZ” functionality from “ABC” platform was a mistake, before realizing that I really shouldn’t care.
• Nodded and smiled during meetings to feign interest.
• Made plans for the weekend. (Generally done only on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays.)
• Feverishly processed things out of a queue with no attention to whether I was doing anything correctly in order to keep stats up.
• Learned how to reclassify items in queue in order to get credit for them, without actually doing anything with them.

• Thinly veiled my seething hatred for customers as chief call center representative.
• Ogled “Paycheck Girl”
• Developed both benign and mean-spirited impressions of bosses and co-workers.
• Held prolonged and impassioned conversations about The Simpson’s, Temptation Island/The Bachelor, and the latest Diane Sawyer Interview.

Dream-Dasher Limited -- September 1999 - March 2001
Automaton

• Developed a cyclic pattern of activity that created the appearance of productivity:
  1. Shuffle papers.
  2. Get coffee.
  3. Use the bathroom.
  4. Type a few things.
  5. Cross out item on legal pad.
  6. Crinkled up and throw out Post It note.
  7. Repeat.
• Used white out, paperclips, and whatever else was around to create little works of art.
• Cried in bathroom stall.

Computer:
Proficiency: Email and Internet
Stuff I have seen Once Before, Never Used, but Wanted to Put Down: Photoshop, Quark, SQL, PowerPoint

Education:
(The second choice College you went to after getting rejected from your first choice) -- May 1998
Bachelor of Arts – (Whatever major you stumbled into.)
Concentration: Drinking, Skipping Class, Sausage Parties, and Bullshit Philosophizing.