The Great Cristal Challenge
by: Mike Gries
After listening to an umpteenth amoral, derivative, and uninspired hour of blood soaked rap music, I realized that if one listens closely enough, that there is a message to be gleamed from out of the “cat/hat/bat” rhymes, and trite beats of these modern urban tales. The message is, when a true playa treats women like shit, or gleefully partakes in a little bit of the old ultraviolence, that he is expected to do so with a certain level of panache and style. If you curb a rival’s head, well ok, but you best do it in a clean pair of this year’s Jordan’s or some tight Adidas shell-caps. If instead you find yourself sticking your foot up someone’s ass with a pair of LAST years Iverson’s, well that’s more than a tad bit unseemly. Have some style for heavens sakes!
This “Ghetto Fabulous” lifestyle is a lifestyle lead by the neuvo-riche, and as to be expected, it can be a smidge unrefined at times. Quality is preeminent only in so much as that it can be easily displayed. For many hip-hoppers, quality ends up being equated almost exclusively with brand, and not only “brand” in general, but very specific brands. When rappers aren’t engaging in fantasies about having their enemy’s deep throat Lugars, or forcing lovers to feel used and ashamed, they are busy mispronouncing the same high end designers, and the same makers of highly priced food stuffs. All of which begs the question, “Are these DJ’s, MC and producers even able to enjoy the quality of the products that they now can afford or rather have they just gotten themselves into a rat-race life of the keeping up with the Jiggity-Jones’s?”
This was the question I wanted answered, and I set about to design an experiment to answer it empirically. It was my hypotheses that the rappers who where busy carrying on about “Christian Lah-Croaiks” and “Cris-TAAL” don’t and can’t appreciate quality, because they are so caught up in a life of status. I had my hypothesis; it was now time to set up the conditions of my experiment.
I went to my local distributor and purchased 50 bottles of Cristal and 50 bottles of a plucky 12 dollar bottle of sparkling white that received an 88 rating from The Wine Advocate. I put on my bullet proof jacket, various FUBU, RocaWear, Wuwear, and Sean Jean articles of clothing so as not to offend any one, and then made my way to the back stage of the Source Awards. It was a veritable who’s-who of the rap world. There were Rock-a-fellas, Bad Boys, No Limit Soldiers, Rough Ryders, Cash Money Millionaires, So-So Defers, Flip-Mo’ers, and countless other families, squads, and lose associations in attendance. Stumbling through the pea soup haze of marijuana smoke, I eventually found my reserved space, set up my particle board Cristal Challenge sign and then laid out the complementary “That’s the Crizzy my Nizzi” key chains and refrigerator magnets. I was all set for the bum rush.
After an hour my resources where tapped. I lost more than a few bottles, when a group of four came up, said “bling bling” and then walked away with 3 to 4 bottles each. Also, more than a few times, I was unsuccessful in my attempts to explain to very distracted young men with very dilated pupils, the importance of the experimental method and why I needed them to take a guess as to which flute contained the Cristal. Nevertheless, the data I did collect was sufficient, and I was ready to go back to see what I could derive from it all.
My results supported my hypothesis. I could say within a 95% confidence interval that indeed the subjects tested showed no ability to consistently differentiate between the two sparkling wines. I was more than a little excited for my scheduled presentation later that night.
With PowerPoint presentation in hand, I made my way to the post award party. I set up flyers, and made my way to my reserved room to set up. I presented my findings, after which followed a spirited debate. Many good points and counterpoints where considered. I felt I cogently argued what I believed could be derived from my study. I brought up the discounted value of present consumption vs. future consumption, quoted liberally from Seneca’s Letters from a Stoic, and then threw in the tale of one MC Hammer for good measure. Sure his present economic status is only anecdotal evidence, but I thought it framed my argument nicely.
The opposition consisted of two of the tangential hangers-on from a moderately successful performer’s gaggle who stumbled through mid-presentation. They rebutted by calling me a “punk ass bitch” and a “player hater.” They then set about beating me mercilessly, unceasingly, and without remorse.
Perhaps the Cristal Challenge was not the rousing success for which I was hoping, but the work is out there to be discovered in the future. As for me, I’ve moved on to my next topic of study. This time it will be less experimentally driven, and more philosophical. I’m planning a corresponding symposium. The area of study will be form and function as it relates to accessories in the hip-hop world. I will be making the case for the beauty of understated jewelry. The working title is: “Rethinking Studebaker-hubcap-sized Gold Medallions.” Wish me luck.