Don Novello, better known as Father Guido Sarducci, wrote three under-appreciated books known as the Citizen Lazlo series. They consisted entirely of letters he wrote to corporations, organizations, and politicians, and the subsequent responses. What you see below is a shameless and highly inferior rip off.

The following are emails and letters from "MJ Gritchie," and the responses they generated.

I recently picked up an Oster Stim-U-Lax Junior massage unit at a garage sale. All the papers with it suggest that it's designed for temple massages, and back massages, and what not, but when my son saw it, he laughed at me and told me not to use it. He says that that's just what they put down to make it respectable. I asked him what he meant, and he said that what they re really made for is women, and specifically, for, let's just say "Alone time." Is that true? I certainly don't want to use it if that's the case.

MJ Gritchie

first response

Thank you for your inquiry. I will be glad to assist you.

Clipper and massager inquiries are now handled by another division of our company. Please address your questions, concerns, orders, etc. to:

kelseyj@sunbeam.com

If there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know.

Sincerely,

Maggie C.
Consumer Services

I was told to forward my question to you. I hope you can help.- (I forwarded the same email)

second response

Our massagers are for joint pain and ect. Not designed for the alone time.

Thank you

Janice Kelsey

Oster Professional
Consumer Service

(I laughed out loud when I got this response. I completely forgot that Carrot Top did 1-800-Call-ATT, not 1-800-Collect. By the way - After I got 1-800-Collect's response, I sent the same email to ATT. Of course those cowards didn't respond.)

Recently, I was watching one of your recent commercials with my son. In the commercial Carrot Top is coaching a group of women basketball players, and at the end of the commercial, he says to one of the women, "You're so pretty, I think I just double dribbled."

There is only one possible meaning for the double entendre and that's that he has ejaculated. The commercial where he asks to take a shower with the girls is risque enough! This is WAY over the line. I want this particular commercial stopped, and I want a REAL answer from you about why you think this type of advertising is OK. Not some, "Thank you for your email. Our customers' opinions are important to us" nonsense.

Concerned,

MJ

response

This is to inform you that the ads starring Carrot Top are NOT 1-800-COLLET ads.

Sincerely,

1-800-COLLECT

Maybe you'll need to pass this along to your marketing team or something. I'm not sure who should answer this, but I have a concern with on of the commercials you're showing now.

It's one of the Catherine Zeta Jones spots. The ones where she says, "STOP!" (I like that part. It's funny.) Anyway, in the commercial, a boy is going out on a date, so his family keeps calling him to give him advice. The last call comes from his grandfather who says, "Does she have a sister?" Now the girl in the commercial can't be older than 16. "Does she have a sister?" is an old joke meaning you're attracted to the girl. That means that the grandfather in the commercial feels it's appropriate to express his attraction to this girl. It's really creepy if you ask me.

If I misunderstand, please explain how. If not, please explain why you don't think this commercial is in very bad taste.

Thank you,

MJ Gritchie.

response

Dear MJ Gritchie,

Thank you for taking the time to contact T-Mobile. I will be able to assist you. We regret any inconvenience or frustration that our commercial may have caused you. I have forwarded your concerns to the proper department for review.

Once again, thank you for contacting T-Mobile. If you have any other comments, questions or concerns, please feel free to contact us anytime.

Thank you for choosing T-Mobile.

Sincerely,
Rebecca
Customer Care Specialist
T-Mobile

my response

Dear Rebecca -

"We regret any inconvenience or frustration that our commercial may have caused you. I have forwarded your concerns to the proper department for review."

This is a form letter! Is anyone going to actually get back to me? There was a time in this country when you could count on getting a real human letter back. You say it's going to be forwarded. Is that to mean that they'll get back to me, or that I should just go away?

MJ

second response

Dear MJ Gritchie,

Thank you for taking the time to contact T-Mobile. I understand you wish to know if you will be contacted by marketing as to you response to a commercial made by T-Mobile. Marketing does appreciate customer comment about any advertisements that are made for our service. However, I do not believe that you will be contacted by Marketing about your comments. Once again, thank you for taking the time to contact T-Mobile. If you have any other comments, questions, or concerns, please feel free to contact us.

Thank you for choosing T-Mobile.
Cordially,
Alta
Customer Care Specialist
T-Mobile

I have two questions for you. How much is a family pass for the year, and do monkeys really throw their poo at each other? And if so, why?

response

Thank you for your interest in the Zoological Society of San Diego. In answer to your first question, the Society has a membership which provides annual admission (see information below): Dual Membership - $84

(2 adults in the same household)

Single Membership - $66 (1 adult)

All year long enjoy:
1 year's FREE UNLIMITED
ADMISSION to the San Diego Zoo and Wild Animal Park
2 FREE GUEST PASSES (over $50 value)
1 year's subscription to ZOONOOZ Magazine ($15 value)

As regards the second question - this is not a behavior commonly seen at our facilities and we cannot pretend to be experts on it.

I am including this correspondence because I was shocked by the reply. Wrangler's response was comprehensive, well written, well argued, and polite. Amazing. I still don't agree with their use of an altered version of Fortunate Son, but I am strongly considering buying a pair of Wrangler Jeans based on this response.

Dear Wrangler

You guys have a really patriotic commercial running right now, which I loved. It has this song in the back that I liked, and my friend told me that it was called "Fortunate Son" by Neil Young. The lyrics that you play in the commercial are "Some people are born to wave the flag, the red white and blue." I love the USA, and I love waving the flag, and I loved the sound of the song, so I went out and bought a copy of Mr. Young's album.

Well, I was disgusted when I heard the whole song! It's not a patriotic song at all! In fact it's quite the opposite. Some of the lyrics are:

Some folks are born made to wave the flag
Yeah, the red, white, and blue
When the band plays 'Hail To The Chief'
Yeah, they'll point the cannon at you

It ain't me, it ain't me
I'm no millionaire's son
It ain't me, it ain't me
I ain't no fortunate one

Some folks are born silver spoon in hand
Well, they help themselves, yeah
When the taxman comes to the door
House looks a like a rummage sale

Then I find out Mr. Young isn't even an American! He's Canadian!

I'm pretty steamed about the whole thing. I think you guys owe me an apology, and in the future you should stick to true patriotic songs, like "Born in the USA."

Sincerely Yours,

MJ Gritchie

response

Thank you for writing to us about your concerns regarding the use of John Fogerty's "Fortunate Son" in Wrangler's current advertising. While it is true "Fortunate Son" was written during the Vietnam War, over the years John Fogerty has explained that the point of the song is not anti-American or anti-war but simply an anti-privilege anthem to the common men and women who fought for our country in Vietnam. The song was actually written as a tribute to and a commiseration with those not born into wealth and privilege.

As you may know, Mr. Fogerty and Creedance Clearwater Revival recorded "Fortunate Son" in 1969 during a tumultuous time in American history. Their songs and music helped define the era. He described the song as being about "privileged people making policy that commits poor people to war Yet the sons of the well-to-do and powerful don't have to worry about those things. They were fortunate." (Minneapolis Star Tribune September 1997). In a Los Angeles Times article, "Rockers Rally Round the Flag" Fogerty states, "This really is our country, and we've got to stand up for it. No matter how demoralizing it gets sometimes, there is something in our spirit that keeps insisting there is a real light at the end of the tunnel." It is his concern for America and for its average citizen that led us to select his music over a year and a half ago for our commercials. Incidentally, the Vietnam Veterans Association has great admiration for John Fogerty. He is a regular fixture at Vietnam Veterans events.

Today more that ever, Wrangler and all the employees who work for Wrangler, share a compassion and concern for the country and it's citizens. We have purchased both the publishing rights owned by Mr. Fogerty and the original recording owned by Fantasy Records because we love the music and believe it sincerely espouses that very compassion and concern for everyday Americans - people very much like our own customers. We apologize for any confusion caused by the song selection.

Thank you again for taking the time to communicate your concerns with us.

Regards,

Wrangler

Dear Victoria -

I love your product! Your classy, well made underwear is the only brand I buy. I have a suggestion though. My ten year old daughter can't find decent underwear. She wears a skirt to school everyday as a part of her uniform, and her panty lines show. She hates that! And if you ask me, it does look a bit dowdy. Problem is, she can't find a thong in her size. They just don't make them! You guys should make thongs for girls her age don't you think? That way they could look more classy. Let me know what you think, and let me know if you have any plans for something like that in the near future.

Thanks a bunch

MJ Gritchie

response

Dear MJ,

Thank you for your e-mail regarding our panty collection. We are pleased to assist you with your inquiry.

We value our reputation for excellent client service, and always take great interest and initiative in making changes which are beneficial to our clients. We appreciate your comments and take them seriously. In fact, client suggestions and comments often provide direction for changes in future merchandise and services.

If you need further assistance, please reply to this e-mail or call anytime.

Thank you for shopping with Victoria's Secret.

Sincerely,

Amanda
VictoriasSecret.com Client Services
Visit www.VictoriasSecret.com
Phone 1.800.888.1500 or (outside the U.S.) 1.937.438.4197
Fax 1.937.438.4290

my response

Well thank you for the reply, but you didn't address my question at all!

That's OK - you probably get lots of emails I bet! But my question again is are you going to start making thongs for younger girls like my daughter? Well I guess it's a two part question. When are you going to start making underwear for girls, and when you do, will you be making thongs, so they too can have a more sophisticated look?

Thank you, and I hope the answers back are "soon" and "yes" respectively!

MJ

second response

Dear M.,

Thank you for your e-mail regarding our panty collection. We are happy to assist you with your inquiry.

Unfortunately, we do not have future plans of offering a junior line of lingerie. We regret any disappointment this matter may have caused.

If you need further assistance, please reply to this e-mail or call anytime.

Thank you for shopping with Victoria's Secret.

Sincerely,

Amanda

Dear Trojan Condoms:

I recently bought some of your "Her Pleasure" condoms, because you claim that they "are designed to help provide sensation for a woman's most sensitive area." Well, I used them, and afterwards I asked my girlfriend if she noticed anything different with the condoms. And she says, "No." So, I say, "Nothing?" And then she says, and I quote, "No -- Ok? No. Nothing." Basically, I'm frustrated, and I feel ripped off. So I want my money back, or at least some normal condoms from you guys, because that "Her Pleasure" stuff is a crock.

MJ Gritchie

I know you can't read the letter here, but the jist is "we're sorry they didn't work for you. Here's a coupon for 12 free condoms." Not bad,eh!

Email to Brooks Brothers

Dear Sir or Madam:

I've always wondered, what's the deal with your logo? It's a sheep on some sort of hoist. Is it dead? are they weighing it? is it dead and they're weighing it or something? Because I'm a vegan, and I love your clothing, but I don't want to wear it if the sheep is dead. Thank you in advance. MJ Gritchie

response

Dear MJ Gritchie:

Thank you for contacting Brooks Brothers customer service.

1850 THE GOLDEN FLEECE- I hope this helps you.

The Golden Fleece symbol is adopted as the company's trademark. A sheep suspended in a ribbon had long been a symbol of British woolen merchants. Dating from the 15th century, it had been the emblem of the Knights of the Golden Fleece, founded by Philip the Good, Duke of Burgundy. In ancient Greek mythology, a magical flying ram, or Golden Fleece, was sought by Jason and the Argonauts.

Please contact me if you have any further questions.

Sincerely,

Fran Campton
Customer Contact Department

my response

But is it dead or alive?

second response

Dear Sir/Madam,

It is alive.

Please contact me if you have any further questions.

Sincerely,
Maggie Berges
Customer Contact Department

I have a quick question. When you guys released the Nutrageous Bar, its slogan was "It's like a party in your mouth." And then you got rid of the slogan pretty quickly. My friend says that the reason you guys got rid of the slogan is that there's an old joke that goes, "Hey I heard there's a party in you mouth . . .and everybody's coming." I never heard that joke before, and I don't believe that's why you changed the slogan. Who's right?

response

Thank you for your recent contact.

Comments from our consumers are important. Our Marketing Department would not change a Marketing slogan because of a joke. I personally have never heard that joke. I hope you enjoy the bar.

Your interest in our company is appreciated. Have a great Holiday.

Susan B. Harris
Consumer Relations Coordinator

First of all I just want to say that I love Miller Light. It's what I always order at bars. But that's not why I'm writing. What I really want to say is thanks, because my wife doesn't drink much, but when she does, she drinks Miller Lite too -- like when we go out to dinner or are at a wedding or something. We've been married for 3 years, and together for 7. At this stage, she doesn't much seem to "feel like it" that often if you know what I mean, but after just like 2 Millers my chances for the night skyrocket. So, "thanks" is what I'm basically trying to say. You help keep my marriage together. (Not to mention making the Holidays at her family's house easier.) One question though -- grammatically speaking is the correct plural "Millers Lite" or "Miller Lites" I think the first one right?

Response

Thank you for contacting us.

Grammatically speaking, it is Miller Lites

I love those colored boys who do the "Whazzzup!" commercials. They always make me laugh! I just wanted to let you know you've given me smile :) Do those young men plan on making any more commercials for you?

MJ Gritchie

response

Thank you for taking the time to e-mail Anheuser-Busch.

We truly appreciate your kind words regarding our Budweiser "Whassup" commercials. Your comments have been noted and forwarded to the correct departments.

We take great pride in the creativity and humor of our commercials, and are glad you enjoy watching them. Loyal customers, like you, are very important to Anheuser-Busch.

The Budweiser "Whassup" commercial campaign ended a few years ago. Currently, we have not received information from our advertising and marketing department regarding future plans to produce more commercials, which feature these actors.

Again, thank you for contacting us, and we appreciate your continued support of Anheuser- Busch. Please let us know if you have additional questions or comments.

Your Friends at Anheuser-Busch
1-800-Dial-BUD (1-800-342-5283)
www.budweiser.com

Was Adolph Coors an anti-Semite? I've heard that he liked to burn crosses. And his name was "Adolph," after all. I really like Coors, but I might have to stop buying it if this is true. Is it? Thanks.

response

Dear M.J.:

Thanks for your e-mail. We are always interested in hearing from our consumers.

The life of Adolph Coors is the life of an American legend - a story of personal ambition, courage and determination in the face of tremendous odds. To best articulate the type of man Adolph Coors was, we borrowed a quote from his grandson and current Adolph Coors Company Chairman, William K. Coors.

"What did my grandfather believe in? I guess above all, in the promise of the individual. Unlike Germany, where a king ruled and a class structure dominated, America was a place where a man mattered more than the state - a land where no man had to bow. In America, a man could stand up free of bloodlines and become what he wanted to become. And my grandfather took flight for this freedom."

In researching the life of Adolph Coors, no where are references to cross burning or anti-Semitic behavior noted. Adolph Coors was a man with tremendous vision, and passion for creating a product for all Americans to enjoy.

If you have other questions or comments, please contact us again either by e-mail at coors.com or by calling the Coors Consumer Hotline: 1-800-642-6116. We are available weekdays from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Mountain Time, and the staff will welcome your comments.

Thank you,

Rob D. Fagan
Consumer Information Sr. Representative
Consumer Communications
consumers@coors.com

Dear Herbal Essence:

I was watching a tape of a program with my son, and one of your commercials came on. It was one of those "truly organic experience" ones. I always found those commercials fairly distasteful, because you're equating the use of your product with an orgasm, which I believe to be well beyond good taste. I understand it's a joke, but it's pretty crude.

However, what I saw in this particular commercial was WAY over the line. It takes place in a library, and at the end, a blob of shampoo foam flies off the woman getting her hair cut, and hits another woman in the face. You don't have to be a Freudian to understand the double entendre! Unbelievably tacky. My son shouldn't have to be exposed to that at his age. No way. I would like a response. And not some, "Thank you for your concern" form letter.

I'll be waiting,

MJ.

Response

Thank you for contacting us.

It was very thoughtful of you to share your opinions about an ad for Herbal Essences® Shampoo. Consumer research is an essential step in developing every Clairol advertising program. Depending on the product and the advertising plan, we conduct personal interviews, phone surveys, small group focus meetings, or use any number of other survey methods. Obviously, we hope that these efforts will give us an accurate evaluation of consumer response. Sometimes they don't.

Your letter has alerted us to a possible problem. You can be sure we will share your comments with our advertising agency and all the employees who worked on that campaign. We appreciate your constructive criticism. Your perspective and recommendations are very important to us. We will include them with other consumer comments as we continue to monitor and evaluate Clairol advertising programs, now and in the future.

The Consumer Affairs Team

I was watching a tape with my niece the other day and we saw a commercial for Ice Age. The voice on the comercial said, "hold on to your nuts." and then showed the rodent thing from the movie running around with an acorn. This is a kids movie, and you make a joke like that in the commercial? "Hold on to your nuts?" I was shocked and highly disapointed. Especially since the movie was so good. I think you owe the children of this nation better.

MJ Gritchie

No Response