I am thoroughly convinced that PETA knew that they would be inciting a maelstrom by liking the raising of chickens to the systemic murder of 6 million Jews. They knew they would offend the Jewish community (as if they don’t take enough crap from small minded people), and just didn’t care.
Ultimately, it appears that PETA is run by highly immature, highly offensive people who don’t care at all about converting others. They’d rather offend for the sake of offending. How else can you explain the following ad?
(2) My Big, Fat Fatwa — My Big, Fat Greek Wedding. My Big, Fat Greek Life. I just heard a 30-second radio spot for CBS’s Monday comedy lineup that used the term 103 times. Dear God, it has to stop. Haven’t we, as a culture, been through enough “Make my day”s and “Show me the money!”s to know better? I guess not, and that is why the Nation of Parmistan is issuing a decree—a sort of pop culture fatwa, if you will—to all its readers to do whatever they can to delay and disrupt further dissemination of “Big, Fat” phrase-making (with an obvious exception carved out for the adult film industry). Please start by boycotting the show, which shouldn’t be too much to ask. Next, let’s start enforcing a “Big, Fat” moratorium in order to preemptively staunch the spread of this verbal contagion. If you hear anyone using the term “Big, Fat,” nicely ask them to stop. If they resist, a “Big, Fat” f*ck you may be in order. God willing, we can beat this thing.
(A note from Mike: I actually watched a good portion of the first My Big Fat Greek Life. I refused to see the movie. And I vow that I will never, ever, ever watch it. Even when it comes to HBO – and I’ve watched both 28 Days, and Ms. Congeniality because I have HBO – so consider what this means. However, I’ve always tried to catch a little bit of any TV show based off a movie – the TV version of Ferris Bueller is my personal favorite. I just love how profoundly lame they are. They producers realize that they’re just capitalizing on a craze – and that the window of opportunity is short. This means you end up getting a slipshod and shoddy thrown-together piece of crap which is generally a lot worse than an average sit-com. A lot worse . . . than an average sit-com.)
(3)Channel 7 News. – The Rhode Island Great White Concert was a terrible tragedy. Someone’s to blame, and this is newsworthy. BUT that’s the whole story. That’s it.
Meanwhile, in the same week, we found out that the North Koreans likely have a nuclear bomb that could hit Seattle. Yet the local news didn't do much reporting on that, because they needed to use their time to show the night club “snuff film” over and over again.
Channel 7 News set them selves apart, however, by putting “ironic” Great White lyrics up on the screen that had to deal with fire and burining imagery. Oh, a hard rock act used fire imagery? Wow that is unusual! F#CK YOU Channel 7. Truly tasteless.
(4) Keith Jackson - Whoa nelly, lemme tell you sumphin’ ‘bout a has-been. As a College Football devotee, I realize that I just blasphemed a minor deity, but it had to be done. Jackson is the incomparable Voice of College Football, but he is a human being, and an old one. His performance in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl was pathetic. Now that it’s too late to leave gracefully, it’s time just to leave. You don’t have to kill your idols, but sometimes its necessary to remind them where the exit is.
(5) The Makers of the Capital One Commercials - I guess these folks should be commended on creating a memorable formula to sell something as staid as a credit card, but enough is enough already. One-joke commercials age about as well as Melanie Griffith, and this one is no exception. At the end of the latest iteration, a cave troll is sodomized Abner Louima-style with the eraser end of a pencil while squeaking, “What’s in your wallet.”
(6) Michael Moore – Sure I’m biased against Moore because he’s such a raving liberal, but honestly, even the liberal minded need to wake up to what a colossal assbag this guy is. It’s not like right leaning folk don’t know Trent Lott is an assbag. Let’s be fair all around, OK? Moore has made a career championing Joe and Martha Six-Pack, and his method of doing so has been to regularly demonize Joe and Martha Moderately-Priced-Wine. In his movies, and on his TV show, he would regularly attack poor company PR guys who were probably bringing home somewhere between mid 40’s to high 50’s. What a saint.
Also, there are far too many reports of him being a complete jerk to those who works for him for it to be smear tactic by his enemies. (Only liberals believe in vast conspiracies anyway. No one’s in cahoots to bring this fat slob down. Trust me.)
His most recent shining moment came in England. He went ape-shit on everyone who was working on a one man show he was doing there, including the lowly hired bartenders, because he was only getting paid a measly 750 pounds a night. Also, his ranting one man show, at least once, included comments to the effect that the passengers of the planes that were crashed into the twin towers on September 11th were cowards, and they were cowards because they were mostly white. If the passengers had included black men, he claimed, the killers, with their puny bodies and unimpressive small knives, would have been crushed by the dudes, who as we all know, take no disrespect from anybody.
Wow.
Consider:
__Yes
__No (Please murder me and my entire family, but not before you rape my wife and daughter in front of me.)
(2) Jennifer Lopez -- Yes, you're still "Jenny from the Block,"* and from dancing to singing to acting to making perfume, you’ve proven there isn’t anything you can’t kinda sorta do. Her new tryst with beau de jour Ben Affleck is nauseatingly high-schoolish. Where have you gone Billy Bob and Angelina?
* Some of the Lyrics:
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go
I know where I came from
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go
I know where I came from
I'm down to earth like this
Rockin' this business
I've grown up so much
I'm in control and lovin' it
Rule has got me laughing kid
I love my life and my public
Put God first and can't forget to stay real
To me its like breathing, yeah
(3) The Fandango guy -- His commercial work on screens big (Fandango) and small (the "we can go bigger" Circuit City ad) can be described in one word: Unfunny. Make the bad man stop.
(4) Harry Bellafonte -- After denigrating Secretary of State Colin Powell as a "house slave" of the Bush administration, Harry thought he would smooth things over by calumniating National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice with the same epitaph. Later, he boasted to Phil Donahue that he threw his weight around and got Mrs. Rice uninvited to an Africare fund raising dinner at which she was to give the keynote address. (Day-O).
(5) Toby Keith -- "I’m a Ford Truck Maaaaaaaaaaaaan, and that’s all I driiiiiive." Toby Keith is a big "New Country" star, and he’s been haunting my TV hours as the new pitchman for Ford trucks. Not since the "Red Bull Gives you Wings!" commercials has something hit the small screen that will literally make me spring me out of the chair to grab the remote.
Unfortunately, unlike the Red Bull commercials, this mutherf#ckin’ thing runs incessantly. And now I know that Toby would "rather walk 10 miiiiiles, and be down on ma’ luck, then ride around the block in another kinda pick-up truck." Along with the horrible music, the commercial has images of Toby driving around, bailing hay, hooking crap up to the back of his truck, waving his gee’tar around like an extension of his genitalia, and generally trying to look tough. The frosted hair and pink cowboy shirt kinda 86 that though.
(6) Michael Jackson -- He called Tommy Mottola a "Devil" for not promoting his last album well enough. Shoulda just went ahead and called him a "White Devil."
He added: "The recording companies really, really do conspire against the artists," Jackson said. "They steal; they cheat; they do everything they can, especially [against] the black artists. ... People from James Brown to Sammy Davis Jr.: some of the real pioneers that inspired me to be an entertainer. These artists are always on tour, because if they stop touring, they would go hungry. If you fight for me, you're fighting for all black people, dead and alive."
(7) Sebastian Janikowski, Oakland Raiders’ placekicker -- With a rap sheet the length of a kielbasa and a physique like Lech Walesa, this underachieving former first-round pick is the NFL’s favorite Polish joke. I’m half Polish, so I chafe at the thought that some distant relative of mine named Boleslaw, or something like that, was denied a work visa to make room for a curfew skipping, cop bribing, drunk driving sociopath, who somehow managed to date-rate drug himself. A friend of mine theorizes that Janikowski probably was trying to slip a girl some GHB, or "liquid ecstasy," but ended up accidentally drinking it himself. This would make him both evil and stupid.
Though not a complete bust, his touchback and field goal percentages have yet to justify the booku bucks he gets. Can you imagine the look on Al Davis’ face when this Weeble wobbles out to attempt a pressure field goal in a playoff game? Now that’s a laugh.
(8) The girl from: savekaryn.com -- If any one individual represents the pervasive American disease of runaway consumption, and the flat out evilness of not wanting to be at all responsible for one’s actions, it’s this grown up spoiled girl. I cannot express how much I hate what she represents. I dislike her so much that I even hesitate to mention her on this list, because there is the risk that someone will see her story here and give her money. But I have to. I have to say, "Karyn, you are a terrible person. You are a cancer. You are a bag of crap."
Here is what her site is all about, in her own words: (Footnotes are mine)
Hello Everyone,
Thank you all for visiting my website! My name is Karyn, I'm really nice, and I'm asking for your help! Bottom line is that I have this huge credit card debt and I need $20,000 to pay it off. All I need is $1 from 20,000 people, or $2 from 10,000 people, or $5 from 4,000 people - you get the picture. So if you have an extra buck or two, please send it my way! Together, we can banish credit card debt from my life!
HERE'S THE DEAL...
I'm a girl in my upper twenties who lives in Brooklyn,
New York. Over the last few years I've run up quite a
credit card bill... let me tell YOU! $20,221.40 to be
exact. OUCH! Maybe it was too many morning lattes that
pushed me over the edge, maybe it was the Prada pumps
that I bought on eBay (They were only $100 - a
STEAL!*) Who knows! My debt just got larger and
larger, and here I am today with a huge monthly
payment.
TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!**
You see, I'm done with my frivolous ways. I've stopped
buying designer clothes. I've stopped using department
store products. I decided that I really DO like Oil of
Olay. It really DOES work just as well... And Old Navy
is actually kind of cool***... I've done my part, now
I need you to do yours.**** I believe that this world
is a good place, and if someone needs help, then they
should ask for it.
SO I'M ASKING...
Please help me pay my debt. I am nice. I am cheery. I
am the girl at the office that MAKES YOU SMILE. I
didn't hurt anyone by spending too much money. I was
actually HELPING OUT THE ECONOMY*****. Give me $1,
give me $5 - Hell, give me $20 if you feel like it! . . .
(9) Dean Kamen, inventor of the Segway Human Transporter (HT) -- The future is now. It's been a long year since its much ballyhooed unveiling sparked "Segway mania," but Segway's HT is finally available on Amazon.com for a mere $4,950. Just think, you can soon travel at proactive speeds of up to 15 miles per hour and be the laughingstock of your community. It's time to become known as "that a**hole with the scooter-thing"-Buy a Segway now!
Oh, bless Dean's mechanical heart. Ambulation used to be so natural and boring, but no more, he's invented a machine to do it for us. No, not since Pizza Hut's P'Zone has a product captured the public imagination quite like this "evolution in mobility." I have no doubt that this country was stupid enough to turn this boondoggle into a fad about three years ago, when Snowball.com had a public offering and Amazon founder/CEO Jeff Bezos was mentioned as a potential running mate for John McCain. But that era has mercifully passed. Coming soon from Dean, a robot that helps you chew your food faster and more efficiently.
(10) That Jerk Director that Made Winona Ryder Steal: -- Winona’s lawyers are saying that she was shoplifting because she was preparing for a role. OOOOHHHH! Well that explains it! You don’t put in performances like she did in Mr. Deeds without subscribing to the Strasberg Method, and being completely devoted to your craft. It’s the jerk director’s fault for telling her to go out and steal. It makes perfect sense now. So "boo" to the director. Oh, and "boo" to the "over zealous" guards who had the audacity to stop her from walking out with six thousand dollars worth of stuff. I mean, when you consider the fact that dirty black and Hispanic people are out there right now committing violent crimes, how dare they arrest this attractive, and famous girl? How dare they?! I mean she’s WINONA!