A Practical Guide to Being Unemployed
By: Mike Gries
Recently, I found myself out of a job after the company I worked for went through a round of layoffs. Before the round, the company had roughly 300 employees, and the round I was in consisted of me. Also, I wasn’t so much laid off as fired, but there’s no reason to argue semantics here. The point is, I had a job, lost it, and didn’t have steady work again for eight long months. Then I had a temp job, which I actually liked. My boss liked me, but the position wasn’t so much a “temp-to-perm” situation, as a “temp-to-back-in-my-sweatpants-pacing-my-basement-studio-like-a-caged-rat” situation.
The last year plus have been difficult to be sure, but the time I’ve spent being unemployed has given me a few valuable insights into what it takes for anyone to cope more effectively with the loss of a job, which in turn means I am in a position to help. So, if you have been, or are in danger of being, downsized, rightsized, laid off, let go, or plain ol’ shit canned, rest a little easier. With this excellent behavioral guide, you can be confident that you are a little more prepared to deal with what’s to come.
Stop Going to your Church/Temple/Mosque.
First of all, you don’t have the time. Second of all, you’ve been abandoned. You’re alone in this situation and you should get used to it. You don’t give a child dessert if he’s been bad, so why should you give God your time and prayers if He’s going to go and let you lose your job? Plus religious stuff just makes you think about your life as a whole, the big picture, and about others, and the last thing you need is to think about anything but the fact you don’t have a job. That should be your primary focus, and you don’t want to have anything take away from that.
Go to Bed Late, Get Up Whenever.
The first reason to get up late and stay up late is you don’t get to when you have a job, so you might as well enjoy one of the benefits of not having one: it’s a silver lining. The second reason is that many days you’re really not going to accomplish much during the day. You may play at finding a job -- looking at some job listings glassy eyed, or going to a few corporate websites. In fact, you may even be able to remember, for minutes on end, that the swirling characters in front of you on the monitor are called “letters” and they make up “sentences” and that these “sentences” make up “paragraphs” which advertise for jobs. Then, if you concentrate with every ounce of coherent linear thought you can muster, you might even figure out if a job is something for which you qualify. Then you will send your resume’ and cover letter off to the hoary netherworld of cyberspace. Of course you’ll realize that none of that is going to get you a job. It’s not until very late in the night that you’ll realize what little you’ve done that day. It’s this time, roughly 11 to 1, when you realize you better do something for that day or you’re going to feel like an even bigger piece of garbage. It’s crunch time, and the urgency will ensure that this will be your most productive time of the day. Plus, by staying up until 1 or 2, you have earned the right to sleep until 10 or 11 without feeling guilty.
Drink More.
Yes, alcohol can be kind of expensive, and it does waste a lot of time, but it also is unique in its ability to provide you with the profound epiphanies that are necessary in any period of transition. Without booze, you will be less likely to come to conclusions like, “Man I really have to get my shit together with this job shit.” And “Man, what the FUCK am I doing with my life?”
Exercise Less.
The only reason to exercise is so you don’t get fat. You’re not going to get fat when you’re unemployed, because the constant slightly queasy feeling you have will suppress your appetite. Also, you won’t have the energy for it. When you can barely get out of bed, much less take a shower, or put on anything but sweatpants, is it really a prudent idea to go wasting energy lifting heavy crap or running around? Plus, your general nervousness will keep your heart rate up, just like a jog would, and the short bursts of crying, whimper-grunting, and throwing things will be plenty sufficient for any needed release. No use wasting time on structured exercise. Use the time more productively, like say, on another nap.
Isolate yourself/Bottle up your Emotions.
No one likes a wet blanket. Ask yourself, when you had a job, did you like having unemployed people around complaining? It’s just rude to bring people down, especially in an economy where at any moment millions of people are at risk of losing their jobs. Nobody wants to be reminded of that. When you are around others, bottle up your emotions as best as possible. If you bury them down deep they will actually work to give you sporadic buzzes of nervous energy which if you channel might actually help you go out and get a damn job. An additional benefit will be you will be better prepared to feel nothing when you are faced with the inevitable statements you will hear like, “I kinda envy you in a way. I wish I had some time off.”, “Man, how long has it been since you’ve been out of a job? Have you tried Monster?” and “They say it’s getting better.”
Take it Out on Loved Ones.
This may seem like a direct contradiction of the previous suggestion, but while you should generally withdraw from most of your friends, you will need a few people around you to serve a very valuable service – that of the emotional punching bag. Stick with family, spouses, or your boyfriend/girlfriend on this one. Yell at them. Abuse them. They’ll understand that you’re not really mad at them, and you’re just being ornery because of all the stress you’re under. In fact they’ll probably even appreciate it, because they’ll know that by picking them for this role, you love them more than anyone, because they’re the only ones around which you’ve chosen to be open and honest. If they protest and forget that you care for them, give them a gentle reminder by saying something like, “LOOK, I’m under a lot pressure right now, OH KAY?!”
So there you have it: My Guide to Being Unemployed. It is my sincere hope you find it helps.