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(the following interview was conducted in a Hotel in Boston. When I made it over to Jesus’ room I fond him looking relaxed in a terrycloth bathrobe and sandals. He was handsome without being pretty, and his movements were marked with grace and gentility. His general mean and demeanor made me feel instantly comfortable. He welcomed me into his room, offered me a cup of coffee, and we sat down to talk about sports. . .)
Mike Gries(MG): Thank you for having me over to talk
sports.
Jesus Christ (JC): My pleasure. Well you know I love
sports. Love talking about it. Love watching it. So
I’m glad to have you.
MG: Let me get right to the point. Do you affect the
outcomes of games?
JC: I don’t really monkey with out comes that much.
I mean, do I have a little pull? Yes. But it’s
complicated. Mostly it’s the athletes deciding the
result. Maybe I can tip a result one way or the other
some times, but keep in mind, Dad’s got pull, the Holy
Spirit, when he takes an interest, has pull, Mary’s
got pull, and yes we do let the Devil affect things
too. We don’t have to, but it makes things more
interesting you know? For us and for you. That whole
"free will" thing. Making being good a choice, etc,
etc. . .
MG: So this explains. . .
JC: The Yankees, yep. Look, obviously I’m a Red
Sox’s fan. But Steinbrener signed a blockbuster deal
with the devil when they were down 2 to the Braves in
‘97. I tried to get it blocked. But dad did
arbitration. . .and well the rest is history.
MG: So the Yankees won because. . .
JC: No no! look it was a FACTOR. I mean yes Satan
has done some pro-bono for the Mets in ’86, because he
has a soft spot in his heart for NY, and yeah he’s a
Yankee fan, but, no it is ultimately the Yankees
winning. And honestly there isn’t much any of us can
do against the current set up in baseball.
(laughing): until they get serious about profit
sharing, there’s no amount of praying to me or Allah
or Buddha or L.Ron Hubbard that’s going to make the
Expos champions.
MG: You mentioned Mary. She affects games too?
JC: Well you know women fans. She pretends to be the
biggest fan, but it’s a little annoying watching games
with her. All she understands is the long ball. She
doesn’t understand any of the details. Brining in a
lefty, putting on the shift, when to play contact,
sac-flies. . .all over her head. Plus she’s so
fickle. "Hey Mom, who are you rooting for this week."
Fair-weather too. The only constant in ND football,
and that’s only because of the name.
MG: Well I don’t want to take up any more of your
time - what with all the famine, and disease, and
whatnot out there. But before you get back to that,
is their anything you want to leave us with?:
JC: Well as far as it comes to sports - I’m going to
just have to ask certain players to players to stop
cheating on their wives with hookers, threatening
their relatives with guns, doing blow, and stabbing
fellow teammates in the neck with scissors. And if
they can’t stop that, well at least take off the WWJD?
bracelets, and stop giving me praise after the game.
Hey don’t do me any favors all right boys?