If you are a celebrity, and you are considering allowing MTV to visit your house for an episode of Cribs, it behooves you to read the following guide. Remember, you are not just letting MTV show your house. By extension, you are letting them show you, and as a celebrity this is serious business. You must make certain to protect and portray the image you and your team of publicists, managers, and PR people have so carefully manufactured. So read carefully, and afterwards keep this guide close at hand for review. With its help, you should be prepared from the “Hey MTV” welcome at the door, to the sped up duck walk down the hallway, all the way to the awkward and overly tough, “Oh Kay, well that’s it. Now you have to get the HELL out of my house!” goodbye that’ll end the segment.

The first thing you must do if you decide to show your house is make certain you have all the requisite baubles a celebrity house should have. The idea that there are obligatory items may seem counter-intuitive to you. “Shouldn’t I try to show my unique personality?” you think. Not really. Remember, you may or may not be talented. It doesn’t matter, because you haven’t been asked to show your house because of any artistic merit. You are showing your house because you are a celebrity, and celebrities fit in with the Zeitgeist of the time. Yes you should show a little individuality, but make certain that you aren’t too challenging. Otherwise you risk becoming an “artist’s artist” or something like that. And you can’t pay your bills with respect.

The first things you’ll need for your house are Eastern religious artifacts or reproductions. These are NOT for religious use. By all means, remember this. Put a statue of Lord Ganesha in your bathroom or a statue of Goddess Lakshmi in your bedroom. When you show them be a little bit respectful, but not too much so. Say something like, “Yeah I got this in India. I think it’s pretty cool.” If you’re not religious, a hodge-podge of religious stuff will make you seem “spiritual” – which in Celeb-speak means the rejection of reason, secular humanism, and philosophy in favor of feel-good mumbo-jumbo with no grounds in reality or everyday human life.

If you are in fact religious, you don’t have to have Eastern Religious stuff, but remember only Christ-based religions will be acceptable. If you’re Jewish be really passive about it. If you’re Catholic/Baptist/Whatever you have carte blanche to go absolutely nuts in any expression of faith.

A nice way to round out your misguided reverence for the Eastern Hemisphere is with Oriental secular items. Frame some Chinese characters, and have some bamboo thingies around. Remember, you should be just as reverential about these as you are with your statue of Vishnu. Say something nonsensical like, “Yeah, that’s the symbol for perseverance. (Pregnant pause.) I think it says a lot about, you know, how I do what I do . . .and how I’ve gotten to where I am . . .coming up from, you know, how I came from.”

Now with all the reverential crap over with, it’s time to have some fun. Show them what it means to be a celebrity. Bring them out to see the “rides,” and make certain you have specific automobiles for specific purposes. You should have the “you know, everyday car” which should be something like a Bentley. Next, have something for “cruising with the clique.” – Perhaps a stretch Navigator. Also, you should definitely have a car that only gets taken out on special occasions. This could be a classic car, and you should refer to it as your “baby.” For good measure you should round out your collection with a car that only serves a specific and highly ridiculous purpose. Explain the purpose by saying something like, “This one is the one that I totally trick out with all my sound stuff. Check out the woofers in the back. . .” In all the cars you should have super shiny 20 inch rims, personalized plush interiors, and scads of chrome.

Back inside you’ll want to show them your electronics. Show the plasma TV, the reel-to-reel, the Playstation, the stereo. If you’re a rapper, for God’s sake, show them the Scarface DVD. Next, have remotes for EVERYTHING. Remote the curtains shut. Remote the whirlpool. Remote the chair. It just looks cool. Showing all this stuff serves a double purpose. First of all, electronics are expensive and gaudy and all that, and secondly they show that you waste your life just like everyone else does – watching TV, playing video games, and generally not thinking. You just have a much better sound system. It both elevates you above, and at the same time grounds you with the people watching you on TV.

To further cement this seemingly paradoxical situation of being above, yet with, the people watching, you’ll want to further establish that you’re still whoever-from-the-block. The fact that you have to do this means that you “protest too much” and, in reality, realize that you’re not really normal. This gives you the payoff of seeming better than human, yet humble about it. This can be done in a number of different ways. Show them the platinum-record-lined walls, then finish up with a line like, “but this is the award I’m most proud of -- my high school talent show trophy.” Or show them a scrapbook your mom made for you or a stuffed animal you had since childhood. Then bring them to your fridge and let them know that, in fact, you’re “all about the Grape Nehi.”

You should finish up the tour of your cavernous, crème dominated, antiseptic house with a tour of the bedroom. First, show them your enormous walk in closet and highlight your rampant and grotesque consumption of a particular clothing item. Shoes are always a good choice. Have rows and rows of shiny white Jordans to match your shiny white house. Explain how some of them aren’t for wearing, as if this is a reasonable statement. Once you’re done in the closet, finish up the tour with a shot of you next to your bed. The requisite line here is “And this is where it all goes down.” Of course for you, “this” may not mean unceasing sex with beautiful specimens of the opposite sex. “This” for you may mean guilt-riddled masturbation, or “this” may mean sleeping back-to-back after another fight with your spouse, but don’t worry about it. Just make sure you smirk when you say it.

And there it is. Your tour is over. You’ve shown your house, and you’ve shown “yourself.” Thanks and um. . .that’s it. Now Get the HELL out of here!